The Heart of a Father by Dr. Canfield
“Fathering is not a sprint; it is a marathon.”
“Fathering is not a sprint; it is a marathon.”
My first marathon was the Chicago Marathon in 2011. I trained for a grand total of 2 weeks. The recovery from that experience took nearly as long as my poor training.
At one point in the race, around mile 19, my legs completely locked up and I collapsed near a wonderful kind Asian family observing the race. They offered to come to help me, but I told them I was fine and managed to crawl out of the way of the oncoming bewildered runners.
I didn’t know exactly what was wrong, I didn’t want to admit it, but I needed some help. As I crawled to the side of the road, I found a barely used GU Chocolate Outrage energy nutrition pack with the top almost completely ripped off. But there was still a significant amount of nasty contents inside. Without hesitating, I threw the entire pack in my mouth and squeezed out every ounce of that wicked tasting trash into my body. Why?
I really needed some help.
When Dr. Canfield opens with “Fathering is not a sprint; it is a marathon”, I recalled the exact image of that GU Chocolate Outrage energy nutrition pack.
I completely agree with Dr. Canfield. Fathering is a marathon, and as my fourth daughter was born not two weeks ago, I can readily admit, I need some Chocolate Outrage fathering help.
It is week 39 of 52 in the Tim Challies 2020 Reading Challenge, and I am behind several weeks! But the assigned week was to read a book on parenting and thus I chose Dr. Canfield’s The Heart of a Father.
The Heart of a Father is a commonsense book. You will not find earth-shattering information between the covers. However, if you are a father, you will be deeply convicted and motivated to love not only your children but also your wife.
I give The Heart of a Father 4 out of 5 stars. The demerit of a star is taken because I do not fully agree with some of the regressive positions Dr. Canfield notes regarding a father’s forever impact upon their children, as I believe God the Father can heal wounds with such a love that surpasses even the greatest injuries an earthly father could inflict. What follows are the highlights I took from Dr. Canfields exceptional commonsense book.
The Father’s Power
“A father has enormous power. About this, he has no choice. For good or for bad, by his presence or absence, action or inaction, whether abusive or nurturing, the fact remains: A father is one of the most powerful beings on earth.”
Fathers do not have a choice. They have great power over their children. Each child will need different things in various quantities from their fathers, but all of them will unequivocally look to their fathers for love, affirmation, and direction.
The problem is fathers do not need anything from their children.
Dr. Canfield notes that men especially find their “identity through their work rather than their family, and they confuse achievement, salary, and title with being better as a person.”
Fathers will never naturally look at their children with the same need that they look toward their profession. For their profession provides them some sense of merit and achievement. And if not checked, children can be seen as a hindrance to their true identity.
While Canfield argues for fathers to seek their identity in the nobility and necessity of fatherhood. However, I believe the perspective should be slightly nuanced differently.
Instead of arguing for Fathers to find their identity in their family, I think fathers should seek to find their identity in God as Father.
God the Father is all-powerful. The Son of God, Jesus Christ, willingly submits to his Father. And yet, God the Father continues to grant all authority and power to his Son. Though he needs nothing, he finds his glory in seeing the Son empowered and glorified.
Admittedly, this parallel has limits. However, if we seek to be imitators of Jesus Christ and glorify God the Father, it seems naturally plausible that part of that imitation results in glorifying and empowering our children.
No this does not mean helicopter Dad, proud sports Dad, always bragging on your kids' Dad, and especially not give your kids anything they want Dad.
But it does mean finding some measure of fulfillment in using your power to empower your children.
The I-CANs of Fathering
“We found that these forty-eight aspects of fathering could fit under one of four functions of a father: involvement, consistency, awareness, and nurturance… The “I CANs” represent the general functions at the heart of being a father.”
I thought the I-CANs of Fathering were excellent. Every day, these are four things that I can think about and measure myself on.
Dr. Ken Canfield
Am I involved? Actually, involved in my children’s lives? And not just one of their lives, but each of them in the specific season that they are in.
Am I being consistent? I will touch further on this in a second, but it is a critical question to answer.
Am I aware? Half the battle is being aware of what our children are being taught, learning, thinking, struggling with, or questioning. Being aware allows us to better act.
Am I nurturing? Nurturing might not sound that fatherly. For me, it sounds very motheringly. However, Dr. Canfield won me over with the idea that a father needs to nurture his children. To stimulate their growth. To teach them new things. To be patient when they fail. To be assertive when they need correction.
The I-CANs are a great fathering assessment tool for your Dad toolbox!
Be a Consistent Father
“Consistency is a misunderstood word. In our freewheeling, often center-less culture, consistency is frequently misinterpreted as a synonym for boring, regular, or predictable. And nothing, it would seem, sends off a whiff of un-coolness like that which even hints of repetition, liturgy, or tradition.”
I wanted to touch on Consistency further because it is the one I struggle with the most. Consistency is critical to providing a safe environment for children to learn and grow. Even if sometimes things are somewhat arbitrary, like putting away your dishes after they are used. Such consistent day in and out habits help them form a net of safety and reliability that then fosters deeper thinking and contemplation.
I will wrap up this review with perhaps my favorite exhortation from Dr. Canfield regarding fatherhood. I reread this short little phrase multiple times and just sat thinking about the implications of this command, specifically as it pertains to my fathering of four precious little princesses.
“Be a gentle father.”
This is my new Chocolate Outrage energy nutrition pack. When in trouble, imitate God the Father and be gentle.
I am trying my best to keep this as my major take away from Dr. Canfield’s book. A marathon is a long race. There are going to be moments when everything locks up and we are going to fall and fail. But if we can manage to find that Chocolate Outrage pack, to be gentle with them as God is gentle with us, we will at least in this manner imitate the heart of the heavenly father.
“Be a gentle father.”
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John Owen came from Welsh descent, was educated at Queens College, and became a renowned Puritan theologian, Oxford professor, and passionate pastor who lived from 1616 to 1683. In 1647, he wrote the exhaustive treatise The Death of Death defending Limited or Definite Atonement against the Arminian view of Universal Atonement or Unlimited Atonement.